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She didn’t want the kids to think that perhaps I had hired a professional escort to pretend to be my date, never to be seen again. We arranged to have lunch at a popular place half a block from school on the following Tuesday. She then kissed me good night and sent me on my way. In bed I went over the events of the evening while my hand was busy beneath the sheets. I tried to hold off as long as I could but I had only gotten up to the part where Christine was beginning to undo her swim suit when I couldn’t hold back any longer. This time I was prepared, though, and avoided the mess of the other day.The following day I received several calls from kids asking me about Christine and inviting me to come to this function or that function, always with the implication that I would of course bring Christine with me. On Monday I was the object of attention in all of my classes. A few guys suggested, as Christine had thought they might, that I had hired someone to come as my date. The fact. Four joints and ten Xanax later (washed down with half a bottle of Jack Daniels) I careened my way to the kitchen where my mother was preparing her nightly delicacy, known to gourmets everywhere as Salisbury steak. With slurred speech, I told her we needed to talk.Those words alone made her weep. I was not optimistic. Two psilocybin mushrooms later I finally revealed my secret. "We've suspected that for some time," she stated calmly, like I was telling her I got a D in calculus. I felt a huge weight lifted from my weary shoulders and could finally breathe again.That relief lasted all of two seconds before she broke into hysterical tears, whimpering, then pleading, "We will always love you, but don't tell anyone else or your life will be ruined forever!" (Damn, Mom, you're harshing my buzz. How rude.) I immediately left her alone with her sorrow, stumbling back to my room, my own tears flowing. Adding to my misery, I discovered my vibe batteries were dead. (Fuck the Energizer bunny!).
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